Forever Delayed

So the EURO 2008 is upon us.

I'm throwing my weight behind Spain. Not because they tore Russia apart this afternoon, but because they are going to bottle it sooner or later.

Also Marcel Desailly is the finest football summarizer there is, he is not objective in the slightest. Especially when it comes to France, the pain that man goes through when France constantly screw it up is entertainment supreme. Shaking his head and decrying everything that they do as Tony Gubba stands there, mic in hand, nodding with all the years of his BBC training ingrained into him like his own DNA.

ITV's coverage is naff as always. They are always try to be so cool. It's like a painful attempt to be one of those old U.S. interview shows with the Jazz intros and constant smoking.

Except it's with Steve Ryder, Harry Redknapp and Bolo Fucking Zenden.

ITV....For shame.

Exciting times.

It's the close season and the whole world goes crazy with various managers and players deciding "yep, i've had a good run and it's time I tried my luck down the road".

Mark Hughes being numero uno at the moment having decided that he's worked enough miracles at Blackburn and Chelsea and Man City are circling like Alien Spaceships awaiting to abduct cattle from the american midwest. Chelsea are also after Carlo Ancellotti, Which would feel like a strange choice to me but he did manage Shevchenko all them years and no doubt this is Romans persistant quest to find a manager who will play his mate and make him score goals. Wherevever he ends up, he's going to have a big bag marked "SWAG" ready to spend on players.

Christ "ian" o'ronaldo will no doubt spend the entire summer umming and ahhing before finally agreeing a huge contract that the devil himself could create in his soul selling ventures.

That Ramsey kid from Cardiff is involved in a tug of war between Arsenal and Man Utd. So basically wherever he ends up he's just going to be sat on the bench for a few years yawning.

Also, I can't see what the big fuss about Making Lord Beckham captain again. It was trinidad for heavens sake, fun though it was, it was a makeshift england team against a bunch of CHampionship players.

All this and we're only one week away from EURO 2008. Throwing all my weight behind behind Spain, just because they're like England and underperform wildly.

also, Midnight Football and Robot Football are coming.

Look Busy.

The word you are looking for is ABJECT!!!

And so here we are...

Another play off and another wembley visit and yet another staggering lack of performance.

The commentary was all Doncaster, I can't remember hearing Beckfords name once.

So it's League One again and it's going to be as hard without doubt.

Oh and poor old Avram Grant has been given the boot. I imagine some superstar foreign manager will be flown in to take the reigns.

Only to be told what players to buy and how to play etc...

End o season

So that's that.

Football is over. For 2 weeks. How will we cope.

Cracking end to the season all in all, it's a shame someone had to lose really especially Chelsea as they had played really well second half.

I have been incredibly busy recently and I am going to try to post some 101's soon. Hopefully on BH monday...

prepare yourselves.

quite exciting.

Football has been quite exciting recently.

Mind you I suppose it always is at this end of the season, you just forget having to sit through all the pre amble.

The all english Champions League Final. It's Rocky IV all over again.

And I accidentally caught the last few minutes of the Rangers vs Fiorentina match. Any more tense and it would have been that Flood on ITV.

Fulham flatly refuse to go quietly and are insisting that Fulham equivalent Reading go down. Reading seem all to happy to oblige at the minute by not scoring for six weeks.

Yet more Tumult at Leeds, the powers that be deciding that continually kicking our ass is fair. Never mind, lets draw a line under this and win the playoffs shall we. GaryMac super massive.

And Leicester were the odd one out in the ole relegato fest in the Championship. Can't help but thinking 27,000 managers in two weeks is what sunk them.

So anyway, I'll hopefully post a 101 soon...

Number 11: Have at least one crazy person at your club.

Apologies for being so sporadic of late, but i've been very busy.

No 11 is inspired the madness that is Liverpool and Chelsea. Okay, Liverpool have had another myer season, although it may come good with another Champions League. So still all to play for, so what does one of their owners do, Tom "Bill" Hicks gets off his horse, drinks his milk and shouts "Parry, This underachieving football club isn't big enough for the both of us."

Days after that rather thrilling match at anfield. Where they won! Can't help but wonder if there is a fundamental lack of understanding vis a vis the old football. Still good luck liverpool, tearing yourself apart in public can only you do you good. Hasn't hurt heather mills or pete doherty.

Chelsea meanwhile have Avram Grant. DO NOT SACK HIM. He is the closest thing to Inspector Dreyfuss from the Pink Panther movies I have ever seen. That mental press conference. "I have no message"

I can see him now in his office, Steve Clarke at his side like that bloke in the films, trying to light a cigarette with a gun and twitching uncontrollably at the mention of the special one, Shevchenko or Tal Ben Haim, oh and winning a trophy.

So crazy people are the way forward.

Arsenal? William Gallas. Pure Genius. and of course the mighty jens.
Reading? Stephen Hunt, Bikey.
Man City? Step forward Stephen Ireland.

Etc. Etc.

Derby and Newcastle. And Man U.

I can't remember i've stated this on here or not but I will again.

Sacking Billy Davies at Derby was the most pointless decision ever. The reason Derby were rock bottom was the fact the team was filled with shitkickers from the championship. They kind of smashed and grabbed their way to the premier league and they got pummelled when they didn't really bring in any new players. Which Billy couldn't do.

So obviously sack the guy who's got you there and get in Paul Jewell (whose mind is clearly on other things) get a new board and spunk all their money on some foreigners no-one has ever heard of. Oh and some workshy ones we have.

Every week PJ goes on the telly and shakes his head and says "that's the worst i've seen them". Stop worrying about your bedroom camera angles and sort it out then. You've had a while.

In other news. Newcastle. I've already said on here that they looked alright, they just needed to stop spannering chances. And within a few weeks they have and they've got 3 wins in a row. TILT! That Michael Owen. Finished.

More News.

Does anyone else think this Man U defensive crisis is flim flammery? I do. They've lost vidic but I sense ole Sir is putting a fake cast on Rio's boot to give the others something to think about.

No 10: Landmine Football

Landmine Football.

For the most part, land mines are hideous destructive things that should be gotten rid of and anyone doing so should be applauded. However, if a non harmful landmine could be constructed, I have a use for such a device. If a random number of mines were placed just under the pitch of each match, always in different places, it would add a new dimension to the game. At first players would tread carefully in order not to get hit and work out the lie of the land. After the players had worked out roughly where everything was they could simply try and play round when in possession and the opposing team then trying to force them onto a mine. The mines could work on some kind of air pressure system blasting the player into the air to minimize actual physical damage of the multi-million pound players. It is also possible that new forms of play involving the pressure pads could arise, playing the ball off of them perhaps to deflect a shot for instance. It could also be used at set plays to get above the defense. I think that for the most part this idea would be warmly received. I do believe that grounds men will be almost universally opposed to the idea.

Number 9: 1984 Style Football.

1984 Style Football

Not in the Liverpool still being capable of winning the league sense but in the Orwellian sense. Obviously big brother is already watching them with the advent of TV cameras and replays etc. but I mean in a more fascistic control sense. What’s the worse that can happen to a footballer if he does something bad on the pitch really? Yellow Card, Sent off and maybe if he’s been really bad a fine and a ban for however long they think right. What if there was a better way to ensure players behavior and to discipline them. I suggest we fit footballers with electronic chips that would charge the player with a shock to the central nervous system when the chip was activated. The technology would have to be closely guarded and power given to only the managers and referee, otherwise people would be shocking players for the sake of it. Nobody wants that. So when a player begins to remonstrate too strongly at a referee, he can press a button and down the player will go screaming in pain, sorry that he even questioned the referees’ authority. It is hoped that over time footballers would learn to behave better and the use of the device could be lessened, though it remains to be seen as footballers traditionally do not have the best of educations.

F.A. CUP - It just got interesting.

Chelsea - Spannering it against Barnsley. (Not a crisis, maybe a slight problem)

Man Utd - Not even the Mighty Zeus himself would have been able to pierce the Pompey's goal. Clearly some monumental force was on Portsmouth's side.

Middlesboro - At Home to Cardiff. Never. Get. A. Better. Chance.

Porsmouth have got to be favourites now. But this year...It's WIDE. WIDE. OPEN.

Number 8: Allow Drug Taking

Allow Drug Taking

Now we all know drugs are bad etc. but just suspend all that for a second and indulge this theory. It’s January and United have played 3 games in 6 days and the team and the opposition look a bit lackluster, and you’ll be lucky if anyone has a shot on goal. Allowing drugs would change all this. No game would ever be boring or slow. The players would become supermen! There would be skills that took your breath away, speed that would rival a cheetah and the reactions of a seven year old playing a computer game. It would like watching Match of the Day on fast forward. It would be like Zeus himself came down from Mt Olympus with his gods and formed a side. Matrix like efforts of Aerial ability, passes and moves that players would think of five moves ahead. Players would get less injured and everything would just be a lot better. The only problems I can envisage are that the players would think they’re are supermen off the field as well. Not all of them behave like they should do as it is, forgetting things and turning up for training drunk, the power to go on for longer would probably mean that they would party harder as well and may well negate any effects that performing enhancing drugs might have.

Crisis on Infinite Chelseas

I'm going to admit this. I quite like Avram Grant.

Like everyone else I was devestated when Jose left. It's like that episode of the Simpsons when Lisa falls in love with Dustin Hoffman's Subsititute teacher and he leaves at the end. Anyway, enough of my private hell.

I thought Mr Grant would be a disaster. I even e-mailed baker and kelly to let them know that every time I saw him it reminded me of Henry Kissinger dropping his glasses in the toilet in the Simpsons.

But he's hung in there, he's made some quite funny comments, in avery muted sharp fashion.

All of a sudden out of nowhere.

CRISIS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH CRISIS OH MY GOD!!! CHELSEA lost the CARLING CUP or whatever the fucking thing is called now.

Let's face it, Spurs being the low down desperate tarts they are wanted to win ANYTHING so badly that they would have beaten their own Jimmy Greaves to death to do so.

Not even when playing their fiercest rivals could arsenal give a damn so they fielded a bunch of 9 year olds.

Chelsea lost because Cech made a mistake. He probably felt sad at the sight of the clamouring horror of sweaty little spurs their eyes glistening with tears that they would fail YET AGAIN.

Chelsea are so much of a crisis that they nailed West Ham to the floor in twenty minutes. Then played a large portion of the match with 10 men and The Hairdressers favourite Ashley Cole scored!

So no crisis.

In other news.

Newcastle. I've seen them quite a bit recently, you can call into question my credibility but they don't look terrible for the first half at least. Not brilliant, but not out and out shit. Going forward at least. They do die like dogs in the second half but there you go. I might even go as far as say they were unlucky. Michael "Finished" Owen managed to spoon about four chances. So clearly it's over for Owen.

This is sarcasm. I doubt that it's over. He's like Doritos, Once he's started, the only way to stop him is critically injure his ligaments. Or something.

More news.

Leeds won a game. Away! Now all we need is for the court to overlook things and promotion ahoy.

Number 7: M O N K E Y F O O T B A L L

Monkey Football

I have no doubt that the thought of Monkey Football at some time or another has occupied every male football fan at some point. It is an irresistible dream. Nothing would give us more pleasure than seeing the team you support unwaveringly, despite the fact they deliver you nothing but shame and false promises, replaced by monkeys. This is not as simple as it sounds, do we have monkeys of one species in one team or do we mix them altogether? If we have species specific teams do they then have specific leagues? There would need to be a trial to determine what would work best but personally I would like to see mixed monkey football. Monkeys come in all shapes and sizes and would no doubt have skills that would relate better to some positions than others. Orangutans or Gorillas would make great goalkeepers, Spider Monkeys would not. I can however, see spider monkeys making excellent wingers, fast and tricky. Chimpanzees would no doubt be the utility players as their physiques would lend themselves to playing in a number of roles. There should also be a monkey referee and the teams should be managed by monkeys. The idea would be taken further till the administrators of football were also monkeys. I have no doubts that it would be a more honest and well run game.

Well help him then!

Gazza is like proper ill in some hospital having been sectioned and it seems like every single premier league manager is stroking his chin and saying "someone should look after him".

Rather than everyone sat on their hind ass mulling it over, why doesn't someone actually do something about it.

We all support Newcastle

Like it or not, we (in some small way) prop up Keggy Keegle's Soccer Circus (c)

Don't know how much it is but it may well be millions. Just think, you work all day and the government piss the money up the wall by allowing a club to use sponsorship money to by Joey Barton.

It amuses me anyway.

The F.A. Cup.

Only interesting to watch Liverpool implode again.

I'm beginning to think Rafa would just like to sit on a beach on a lino made of money floating on a sea of even more money. That's got to be the only reason why they fail to put teams like Barnsley in their stone age box.

And there's only a few premier teams left. Don't make me sit through a Man U vs Millwall debacle again. I want Pompey or Middlesboro to mug either united or Chelsea in the final.

Cos Arsenal won't be there because they phoned it in at Old Trafford. They took a dive and they didn't have the decency to do a raging bull. Oh well.

And what's up with Sepp Blatter disliking the 39 steps game? He king O' footballing nonsense.

One thing I do know is that the human race can put a man on the moon but two teams in Yorkshire can't play a football match if it's a bit too rainy.

Number 6: No Referee

No Referee

At least half of all coverage of football revolves around the decisions a referee gives rather than something a player actually does. Penalties, disallowed goals, sending offs are pored over endlessly as if constant scrutiny will change something. It’s become a crutch for all concerned, managers and players can blame refs’ dodgy decisions when they don’t win and gives Hansen and co a good five minutes each week when a game is boring. This suggestion will remove that safety net. Getting rid of the referee will leave a vacuum that will have to be filled, and the results may even be scientific. Will the players govern themselves still adhering to the rules laid down or will they go the way of Lord of the Flies and daub themselves in war paint and commit only two footed challenges. We could have in depth anthropological and psychological analysis from scientists sat along side Mark Lawrenson! “I believe that Camara is exhibiting signs of an inbuilt precognition system, a sixth sense if you will” says Dr Amberson of Whatever University. “I thought he was offside” says Lawrenson. The very idea has the potential to turn football on its head. Fancy teams with lots of money would suddenly find themselves overrun by teams from the lower leagues unable to cope with the barbarism. The knowledge that could be gained is boundless.

Number 5: Feet of Flames.

Feet of Flames

Now I’m not saying that footballers should have the grace of Michael O’Flatley, I have something more dramatic in mind. As a teenager I used to wake up to the oddity that is Trans World Sport. A half hour show on Channel 4 involving people and sports that you have never heard or were popular years ago, Kabbadi, curling, Ilie Nastasi etc. It being such a flighty programme, you would dip in and out of it so it’s possible to miss something amazing. I remember one Monday at school a friend of mine relating how he saw a game of football played with the ball on Fire! Now I have forgotten about Algebra, Loci and the average rainfall of Botswana, but I do remember that my friend saw people playing football on fire. This doesn’t need much explaining really, get a ball, set it on fire and blow the whistle. Some of my suggestions would make football faster, more skilful etc.. Feet of Flames would make things more tense, just kicking the ball would take some courage let alone heading or catching it. This would be football for people who like drama. One drawback that the ball could be used specifically to maim other players by kicking it directly at them, but this surely only brings a new dimension to the game.

The Premier League World Tour!

Money Making Bollocks.

Premier League as Twenty most Dangerous Drugs

1: Arsenal = Heroin
2: Manchester United = C-C-C-C-Cocaine!!!
3: Chelsea = Barbituates (In Brackets it says "sedative", hardly what Avram wants)
4: Everton = Alcohol
5: Liverpool = Methadone (They aren't really a substitute for Arsenal are they)
6: Aston Villa = Ketamine (In the old days I could have done a horse tranquilizer gag)
7: Manchester City = Benzodiazepines
8: Blackburn = Amphetamines
9: Portsmouth = Tobacco
10: West Ham = Buprenorphine
11: Spurs = Cannabis (Well they do spend season after season in a funk)
12: Newcastle = Solvents (could implode at any minute)
13: Boro = 4-methylthioamphetamine
14: Bolton = LSD (A more unlikely match could not be found)
15: Wigan = Methylphenidate
16: Sunderland = Anabolic steroids (would make sense, The mood swings)
17: Reading = Gamma 4-hydroxybutyric acid (GHB, Certainly out of it this season)
18: Birmingham = Ecstacy (No)
19: Fulham = Poppers (Apt, now they've won a game)
20: Derby = Khat

These are all inspired by the enlightening Horizon programme I saw last night.

Birth of an Empire.

Appointing Cappello, old git in chief, is the best thing that could have happened. Even if we fail.

Apparently, he's treating the England team as if it's a Victorian School. Which is exactly what's needed. Referring to them by their last names, not being late, standing at the same time, eating at the same time. Oh, and under no circumstances can the wimmins be there.

The players wouldn't have stood this from McLaren, but who would, grinning like that and maintaining that magnificent sheen on his hair.

Under him and Ericsson it appeared to turn into a holiday at Center Parks.

It'll be interesting to see how long this fealty lasts from the players before they start to moan and want to get pissed and sleep with hairdressers.

Emperor Fabs does have some gravitas though. He's be the hard teacher you wouldn't mess with where as you would have just fucked about in McLarens and Sven's lessons.

Please don't shout at me Emporer Fabs, I didn't mean to misjudge the backpass.

Gold.

Dream Ticket.

Okay,

So Leeds lost there first game with GaryMac in charge.

The obvious fix is to appoint Steve "Stan" Staunton.

And we signed a boat load of players on deadline day.

Gawd elp us.

At least we're not Liverpool/

Number 4: Smartball™

Smartball™

For some reason when the powers that be um and ah over on how to meddle with the rules or make the game more fair they don’t consider the ball. Manufacturers think about the ball all the time apparently. Every World Cup John Motson or whoever will talk about the ball, how it’s rounder, curls more or some other technological ball advancement. More than likely the manufacturers are rubbing their hands at the thought of millions of young boys pestering their parents for said new ball. Imagine if the ball had proper technology in it, maybe even sentient. It would be great to have a black ball with maybe a Knight Rider/Cylon scanner that was “aware”. It would put to bed all those twelfth man debates, there would be an actual twelfth man (thing) who could influence the match. Imagine the giants of the game, the Beckhams, the Ronaldos’ and other Real Madrid players playing with a ball that has its own agenda. Just as Roberto Carlos is about to kick another free kick that will sail harmlessly wide, Smartball™ , perhaps feeling some contempt for said player or maybe simply processing that it would be funny, the ball would roll out of the way. Roberto Carlos et al would look foolish in the eyes of others. The ball would roll around of its own accord and the players would have to chase after it in an attempt to play football. The only problem that I can foresee is that certain players that lack work rate would not bother. One solution would be to program the ball to attack players that show no interest in playing. Everybody Wins.

Who the Fuck is Alan Hutton?

...And why is he worth 9million pounds?

A right back apparently, I'd never heard of him before a month or so ago after this on off thing with spurs.

He's played 6 times for Scotland. 6.

At least when Craig Gordon went to Sunderland I'd heard of him and his reputation was quite good.

That's not gone strictly to plan as 9million pound Gordon just seems to gaffe it up at Sunderland.

We can only hope eh?

Return of the Mac.

All hail.

Gary McAllister is back in charge till the end of the season at least.

Bit of a fan fave and a nice guy. Smart move on Captain Birdseye's part after appointing Wise that nobody wanted and have the team tank the division.

Let's just hope he can do it.

Well you might not give a rats ass, but I do.

To be honest we could probably do with him knocking in a few free kicks.

Dennis Wise: A Tirade.

Fuck.

I hate it when I'm right. Ages ago in another blog I went on about how Dennis Wise shouldn't talk down to the fans because A) he hadn't earned the right as he cocked up last season. It was his fault, I lay it squarely at his door B) Because eventually he would fuck off too another club.

In fairness to Den, he's done about as well as can be expected this season. We'd be top if it wasn't for that pesky points deduction. Should we really expect any less considering we've got a smattering of Premiership experienced midfielders, A good striker or two and An international in Goal. I don't know.

To be honest I never wanted Den even though I thought he was a good manager, he's got a big mouth which routinely has gotten us into trouble for no reason. It should also be noted that we've not done as well since Gus has gone. I know spurs have Magic Juande but I think Gus has some skills of is own. So if Den had gone last summer or this summer I would have been quite happy really.

But he's gone at a pivotal fucking moment of the season. It's still going to be a fair old slog till the end of the season where it looks like we're going to have to go through the play offs. But he's buggered off now and left us in the hands of a fucking "relegation expert" Dave "Harry" Bassett.

Fuck.

Just when you think everything is alright, and we have some stability it all goes to shit again. We've just spent money on a load of Den signings and now he's buggered off to Newcastle and lie in wait for Keggy to explode.

Unless we get in the right manager, we're fucked. For this season, maybe next. There is a list of contenders already.

http://www.skybet.com/skybet?action=GoEvType&id=10002896&aff=706

No1 favourite. Gary Mcallister.

Did alright at Cov until he left. Hasn't managed for a while so, this is Keg esque appointment. Doesn't really have a track record.

Dave Bassett: No. Don't do it Ken. No.

Gary Speed: Would eat league one as a player. Never managed before though, and what about Q of S?

Steve Mclaren: Not going to happen. Plus he'd be shit I suspect.

Martin Allen: Big fan of this idea. He'd kick some ass.

Alan "Alan" Shearer: Why would we do this? Appoint some bloke who clearly only wants to boss newcastle.

Mickey Adams: Solid enough. Had a rough time in the midlands though.

Coleman: Great appointment. Won't happen.

Billy Davies: Derby should never have sacked him. He'd be a good choice. Therefore he won't come.

Ince: The Guvnor? His ties to United would scupper that. He is a lion judas so that might work, I think he can manage.

Allardyce: I still think the Dyce is a good manager. Hoof the ball up to Beckford. Goal. Promotion. The end. Won't happen.

Who knows at the end of the day. Captain Birdseye could appoint anyone.

In other news. Liverpool.... There are no words.

Sheff Utd. Balloon. Ha.

Why does the BBC perservere so...

The African Nations Cup.

Big Song. Big Dance. Made of it every time it's on like anyone gives a rats ass.

No-one bothers with the Copa America, or the (As translated from the Japanese) "Mighty Cup of East Soccer Journey Battle" otherwise known as the Asian one. That I think Australia play in. Strewth.

So that's anyone outside europe offended.

In the spirit of fairness we have 4 yearly "Germany not as good as they used to be but still manage to beat INGERLAND along the way to the semi's"

I can't even be bothered with the Carling Cup. I am interested in Premier League, Championship and League One. When I can remember I try to watch the Italian Football Show on Channel 5. That's quite a bit of football.

If there was no other football on i'd watch it. But there is, so I refuse to watch Garth Crooks and that bloke whatever his name his who they give the shit assignments, Jake I think (He does focus when Maniche is off and he used to be on CBBC) trying their damndest to talk up Tunisia vs Gambia is as if it were Liverpool vs Manchester.

As I say i've not seen it, but i'm imagining that's what is happening. The BBC tend to go a bit mad on Africa. They go there at the drop of a hat.

I'm sure the football is great, African players pretty much dominate the Premier League these days. I just can't get excited about it.

Number 3: Football on the Rotating Death Stage from Flash Gordon.

Football on the Rotating Death Stage from Flash Gordon.

If by some crazy chance you’ve never seen the classic film Flash Gordon directed by Mike Hodges (of Get Carter fame) then I’ll enlighten you. It’s the rotating stage, that spikes spring from in Prince Vultans sky castle. Flash and Prince Barin fight on it and the gold Dr Death Klytus gets killed on it. Anyway, how cool would it to watch football played on that! Twenty minutes and still no score? Then we can slant the pitch to one side, that should focus the players minds. Still too slow? Then we can add the spikes. Players would have to seriously consider those rash challenges, nobody wants to dive in only to have spike through their thorax. Also jumping for headers would have to be thought through, the ground might move beneath your feet making that landing a precarious one. Rotation should be limited as it will cause no end of confusion for the players and spectator as to which direction their team is shooting at, maybe only a few quick jolts per half. Any more may result in nausea for all involved. The bottomless drop beneath the pitch is optional, personally I feel a rotating stage with spikes is enough. A compromise could be reached where a retractable floor underneath could be in place and moved depending on how vindictive you were feeling.

Why does no-one mention Gazza.

I was thinking about this as Gary Lineker made Alexa Chung look like Jeremy Paxman trying to weedle any kind of info out of Alan "Alan" Shearer. Which was horrendous.

Alan is not a great summariser, it does take time to get any good, Lawro wasn't great to start with but he just has no charisma and little insight. All the lesser well known football players that the BBC use are way better. Lee Dixon is probably the best as he comes up with useful bits and has a personality, Gavin Peacock never tells you anything you couldn't work out yourself, but he's a curio due to his religious leanings. and Martin Keown and Les that crop up now and again on FF are much more entertaining.

None of them compare to Strachan though who absolutely stole the show on MOTD2 when he did that.

Apparently Shearer doesn't speak to Keggy Keegle as Keggy didn't go to his testimonial as he was in the states on holiday. Are you both 12 year old girls? What?

Weren't there enough people to watch it? I like Shearer as I admire his dour curmudgeonly attitude as a player. But there's grudges and then there's this. If that's the case that is and Keggy isn't reading things into it. And then to announce it? That's going to heal the rift announcing to all and sundry that you don't speak because you wounldn't go to his party.

Geordies, your precious club is being run by people that have less of a proffesional temperament than Elton John. Good Luck with that.

What I don't understand is why Gazza isn't thought of if "roles" are being handed out? He maybe a loose cannon, but surely this can only be win-win.

Gazza gets to be involved in football day to day which might do him some good. Newcastle get another leg end to help out.

Now stop laughing. Gazza played abroad, has fallen into every trap, and was one of the most gifted players this country has produced.

Even if it's just to turn up and tell stories to the youngsters and the like. I reckon it can only be a good thing.

I'll post numero 3 tomorrow or wednesday.

Number 2: Appoint Keggy Keegle

As someone once said in The Thing "You've got to be fucking kidding me"

He's back, back, back.

After his exile having the thankless task of looking after the other "sleeping giants" - read teams that should just get over it and just try and win some games - MANCHESTER CITY, and even further running something called Soccer Circus up in the fine city of Glasgow.

He's nuts. No good can come of this. Not for him. Not for Newcastle.

Don't get me wrong. I like the fella, as Danny Baker once said "You always knew you were in a game with Keg".

It'll be fun and probably even exciting. There's some good attacking players and useless defenders so that fits in perfectly with the Keg style of play.

I'm pretty sure this won't last long, probably till the end of the season. Keg actually gives a fuck so if things go awry he'll just up and quit, sooner rather than later.

I hope it does work out for him and that newcastle do become soccer circus and do well. But chances ae it'll just be another rollercoaster ending badly for both Keg and the fans.

It will be interesting. Number two way to make football more interesting: Appoint Keggy Keegle.

Undermining Rafa, Fat Sam's Speak Easy, return of the keg.

So Allardyce has gone. Did he really do that bad a job? Newcastle are 11th and spent proportionally less than the likes of Man City and Villa, Portsmouth etc.. Who are all marginally ahead of them.

None of his signings set the world on fire and thay have a lot of the time looked dour and rubbish. But 25 games is nothing.

In the end I think it all comes down to the fact they want the sexy football and that, Sam was never going to do that.

Still Sam seemed to be smiling when given the boot, like he was glad to be free.

Keggy Keegle in exile training kids in Glasgow is refusing to rule himself out or in. Go on Ashley, just for a laugh until the end of the season. I would love it. Love it, if you made him manager.

Also Liverpools American owners have again shown their full support by announcing that they held talks with Herr Klinsmann.

I beginning to think these americans think we're a bunch of hayseeds in Europe. Talking to him in case Rafa went?

I suspect that it came down to cash. Klins would want barrell loads of it to bring in Germans, just as Houllier brought Frenchman and Benitez does with his nameless Spaniards, apart from the Genius Torres.

I think they're a bit strapped as they've had to scale down Interstellar Anfield down to a shed or something.

I still think getting rid of him would be a bad idea. But he really doesn't help himself by them forever doing fuck all in the league. At least they gave houllier four or five years to try and win something.

Any how, will post numero 2 tomorrow.

F.A. Cup - Clearly No-one gives a fuck.

I don't know why but even before the games started this weekend, I had a deep ambivalence towards the F.A. Cup this year. It could be that Leeds took the even earlier than usual to fuck it up and we didn't even make the third round. There were no meaty ties despite what anyone says.

Stoke vs Newcastle was dull.

I even got fed up of the patronising interest in Chasetown. A bunch of Supply teachers against a team that had Jimmy HAsselbaink sat with his cocoa and woolly hat clearly not wanting to amble round the Chasetown back 4.

I think the only way to get the premier league teams to use their whole ass is to take one of the Champions league spots and give it to the winners of the F.A. Cup. That would spice up the Premier League to with one of the Big 4 having to slum it in the Uefa cup playing on a thursday in a rainy shed against the likes of Drogheda and Trelleborgs.

It won't happen obviously as the money men will pull a face but it's the only way I tells you.

Number 1: High Rise Football

Here it is. Numero Uno in the list of 101 ways to make football more interesting.

High Rise Football.

Graham Taylor, Wimbledon (When they were Wimbledon), Bolton today (allegedly). Route One is the tactic we’re talking about, not bothering with skill or build up play and giving the ball to a centre back who hoofs it up field to a big striker who then knocks it down in the hope that one of his diminutive team mates will get hold of it and score. A legitimate strategy yes, fun to watch no. To eradicate this tactic and make football more entertaining I suggest that football pitches be moved to the top of high rise tower blocks. This would mean that footballers would be encouraged to keep the ball on the deck. The player that hoofs the ball off the pitch will be deeply unpopular for a start and will no doubt be sent down the many flights of stairs or down an elevator to retrieve the ball (There would only be one ball to make the players extra careful). This would leave to massive amount of extra time and footballers would no doubt want the game finished to do valuable charity work. It could be argued that you could just alter a match so no-one hit the ball over head height on a normal pitch like five-a-side. This would be neither fun nor workable as footballers would simply forget without the visible threat of falling off a tall building.

Under Pressure

Hmmm... Liverpool fail to beat Wigan at home and Newcastle fail to beat Man City who along with Ipswich until now have forgotten how to play football away from home.

Surely those results can't help Rafa or Uncle Sam. Thing is If either of them got sacked it wouldn't do much for the teams, well not this season. I don't think Newcastle are bad enough to be relegated and Liverpool will manage to finish 4th because that's what they do.

Newcastle have also spent money on a variety of Allardyce Shitkickers who I don't think anyone else will want or can mould in to the harlem globetrotting side the fans clearly want.

If Liverpool gave Rafa the boot, Torres would just pull a face and would bugger off to another team. No player is bigger than the club etc.. But that would be foolhardy as he is probably the player of the season so far.

Now that the Americans have realised that making Liverpool into some kind of world beating team AND a cash cow isn't easy I doubt they'd stump up the cash but what they should do is flog Crouch To Pompey So he can get a game, Flog Kuyt to Spurs, the club he was destined to play for and Buy Berbatov, A strikeforce of Berbatov and Torres would tear the face off the Premier League.

But Berb's would have to be crazy to go to Liverpool.

Anyway, Moving on.

I was listening to the City vs Liverpool match on sunday, an excercise in Masochism if ever there was one. Jan Molby was summarising and they were talking about the foreigners Sven has brought in and filled the City team with. Molby made a crack about how they all had nice British names.

Now, I don't know if Jan Molby has noticed, but he's from fucking Denmark. I have no problem with the Molby, in fact Kudos to him for picking up a scouse accent in two weeks or whatever it was I just felt it was a bit odd that someone who has become a Liverpool Legend as an overseas player would make a joke about other foreign players. Then again, he's lived here over twenty years and is probably a naturalised citizen or something, so he probably as much right to comment on foreign players as anyone. It just seemed a bit weird.

Next order of business.

I watched the Derby vs Blackburn Match, well A) I was bored, B) I figured there would be some goals Derby, being Derby.

The thing I noticed most was Tugay, who is fast resembling evil yankee nazzie Walter Donovan from Indy and the Last Crusade when he touches the wrong grail cup.

Finally, Phil O'Donnell, obviously sympathies to friends and families but every time I hear a footballer has died or had some kind of major medical problem it makes me have a panic attack. The week The Sevilla player died and Clive Clarke had a heart attack, I was pretty mental. I'm not exactly super fit. I'm pretty weedy, have a bad diet, don't excercise and spend an awful lot of time sat down writing. These guys excercise for a living! So Footballer's, please stop getting seriously ill. It's not a good thing.

Double finally, I will be posting No 1: in the 101 ways to make football more interesting in the next couple of days.