Number 7: M O N K E Y F O O T B A L L

Monkey Football

I have no doubt that the thought of Monkey Football at some time or another has occupied every male football fan at some point. It is an irresistible dream. Nothing would give us more pleasure than seeing the team you support unwaveringly, despite the fact they deliver you nothing but shame and false promises, replaced by monkeys. This is not as simple as it sounds, do we have monkeys of one species in one team or do we mix them altogether? If we have species specific teams do they then have specific leagues? There would need to be a trial to determine what would work best but personally I would like to see mixed monkey football. Monkeys come in all shapes and sizes and would no doubt have skills that would relate better to some positions than others. Orangutans or Gorillas would make great goalkeepers, Spider Monkeys would not. I can however, see spider monkeys making excellent wingers, fast and tricky. Chimpanzees would no doubt be the utility players as their physiques would lend themselves to playing in a number of roles. There should also be a monkey referee and the teams should be managed by monkeys. The idea would be taken further till the administrators of football were also monkeys. I have no doubts that it would be a more honest and well run game.

Well help him then!

Gazza is like proper ill in some hospital having been sectioned and it seems like every single premier league manager is stroking his chin and saying "someone should look after him".

Rather than everyone sat on their hind ass mulling it over, why doesn't someone actually do something about it.

We all support Newcastle

Like it or not, we (in some small way) prop up Keggy Keegle's Soccer Circus (c)

Don't know how much it is but it may well be millions. Just think, you work all day and the government piss the money up the wall by allowing a club to use sponsorship money to by Joey Barton.

It amuses me anyway.

The F.A. Cup.

Only interesting to watch Liverpool implode again.

I'm beginning to think Rafa would just like to sit on a beach on a lino made of money floating on a sea of even more money. That's got to be the only reason why they fail to put teams like Barnsley in their stone age box.

And there's only a few premier teams left. Don't make me sit through a Man U vs Millwall debacle again. I want Pompey or Middlesboro to mug either united or Chelsea in the final.

Cos Arsenal won't be there because they phoned it in at Old Trafford. They took a dive and they didn't have the decency to do a raging bull. Oh well.

And what's up with Sepp Blatter disliking the 39 steps game? He king O' footballing nonsense.

One thing I do know is that the human race can put a man on the moon but two teams in Yorkshire can't play a football match if it's a bit too rainy.

Number 6: No Referee

No Referee

At least half of all coverage of football revolves around the decisions a referee gives rather than something a player actually does. Penalties, disallowed goals, sending offs are pored over endlessly as if constant scrutiny will change something. It’s become a crutch for all concerned, managers and players can blame refs’ dodgy decisions when they don’t win and gives Hansen and co a good five minutes each week when a game is boring. This suggestion will remove that safety net. Getting rid of the referee will leave a vacuum that will have to be filled, and the results may even be scientific. Will the players govern themselves still adhering to the rules laid down or will they go the way of Lord of the Flies and daub themselves in war paint and commit only two footed challenges. We could have in depth anthropological and psychological analysis from scientists sat along side Mark Lawrenson! “I believe that Camara is exhibiting signs of an inbuilt precognition system, a sixth sense if you will” says Dr Amberson of Whatever University. “I thought he was offside” says Lawrenson. The very idea has the potential to turn football on its head. Fancy teams with lots of money would suddenly find themselves overrun by teams from the lower leagues unable to cope with the barbarism. The knowledge that could be gained is boundless.

Number 5: Feet of Flames.

Feet of Flames

Now I’m not saying that footballers should have the grace of Michael O’Flatley, I have something more dramatic in mind. As a teenager I used to wake up to the oddity that is Trans World Sport. A half hour show on Channel 4 involving people and sports that you have never heard or were popular years ago, Kabbadi, curling, Ilie Nastasi etc. It being such a flighty programme, you would dip in and out of it so it’s possible to miss something amazing. I remember one Monday at school a friend of mine relating how he saw a game of football played with the ball on Fire! Now I have forgotten about Algebra, Loci and the average rainfall of Botswana, but I do remember that my friend saw people playing football on fire. This doesn’t need much explaining really, get a ball, set it on fire and blow the whistle. Some of my suggestions would make football faster, more skilful etc.. Feet of Flames would make things more tense, just kicking the ball would take some courage let alone heading or catching it. This would be football for people who like drama. One drawback that the ball could be used specifically to maim other players by kicking it directly at them, but this surely only brings a new dimension to the game.

The Premier League World Tour!

Money Making Bollocks.

Premier League as Twenty most Dangerous Drugs

1: Arsenal = Heroin
2: Manchester United = C-C-C-C-Cocaine!!!
3: Chelsea = Barbituates (In Brackets it says "sedative", hardly what Avram wants)
4: Everton = Alcohol
5: Liverpool = Methadone (They aren't really a substitute for Arsenal are they)
6: Aston Villa = Ketamine (In the old days I could have done a horse tranquilizer gag)
7: Manchester City = Benzodiazepines
8: Blackburn = Amphetamines
9: Portsmouth = Tobacco
10: West Ham = Buprenorphine
11: Spurs = Cannabis (Well they do spend season after season in a funk)
12: Newcastle = Solvents (could implode at any minute)
13: Boro = 4-methylthioamphetamine
14: Bolton = LSD (A more unlikely match could not be found)
15: Wigan = Methylphenidate
16: Sunderland = Anabolic steroids (would make sense, The mood swings)
17: Reading = Gamma 4-hydroxybutyric acid (GHB, Certainly out of it this season)
18: Birmingham = Ecstacy (No)
19: Fulham = Poppers (Apt, now they've won a game)
20: Derby = Khat

These are all inspired by the enlightening Horizon programme I saw last night.

Birth of an Empire.

Appointing Cappello, old git in chief, is the best thing that could have happened. Even if we fail.

Apparently, he's treating the England team as if it's a Victorian School. Which is exactly what's needed. Referring to them by their last names, not being late, standing at the same time, eating at the same time. Oh, and under no circumstances can the wimmins be there.

The players wouldn't have stood this from McLaren, but who would, grinning like that and maintaining that magnificent sheen on his hair.

Under him and Ericsson it appeared to turn into a holiday at Center Parks.

It'll be interesting to see how long this fealty lasts from the players before they start to moan and want to get pissed and sleep with hairdressers.

Emperor Fabs does have some gravitas though. He's be the hard teacher you wouldn't mess with where as you would have just fucked about in McLarens and Sven's lessons.

Please don't shout at me Emporer Fabs, I didn't mean to misjudge the backpass.

Gold.

Dream Ticket.

Okay,

So Leeds lost there first game with GaryMac in charge.

The obvious fix is to appoint Steve "Stan" Staunton.

And we signed a boat load of players on deadline day.

Gawd elp us.

At least we're not Liverpool/

Number 4: Smartball™

Smartball™

For some reason when the powers that be um and ah over on how to meddle with the rules or make the game more fair they don’t consider the ball. Manufacturers think about the ball all the time apparently. Every World Cup John Motson or whoever will talk about the ball, how it’s rounder, curls more or some other technological ball advancement. More than likely the manufacturers are rubbing their hands at the thought of millions of young boys pestering their parents for said new ball. Imagine if the ball had proper technology in it, maybe even sentient. It would be great to have a black ball with maybe a Knight Rider/Cylon scanner that was “aware”. It would put to bed all those twelfth man debates, there would be an actual twelfth man (thing) who could influence the match. Imagine the giants of the game, the Beckhams, the Ronaldos’ and other Real Madrid players playing with a ball that has its own agenda. Just as Roberto Carlos is about to kick another free kick that will sail harmlessly wide, Smartball™ , perhaps feeling some contempt for said player or maybe simply processing that it would be funny, the ball would roll out of the way. Roberto Carlos et al would look foolish in the eyes of others. The ball would roll around of its own accord and the players would have to chase after it in an attempt to play football. The only problem that I can foresee is that certain players that lack work rate would not bother. One solution would be to program the ball to attack players that show no interest in playing. Everybody Wins.