Who the Fuck is Alan Hutton?

...And why is he worth 9million pounds?

A right back apparently, I'd never heard of him before a month or so ago after this on off thing with spurs.

He's played 6 times for Scotland. 6.

At least when Craig Gordon went to Sunderland I'd heard of him and his reputation was quite good.

That's not gone strictly to plan as 9million pound Gordon just seems to gaffe it up at Sunderland.

We can only hope eh?

Return of the Mac.

All hail.

Gary McAllister is back in charge till the end of the season at least.

Bit of a fan fave and a nice guy. Smart move on Captain Birdseye's part after appointing Wise that nobody wanted and have the team tank the division.

Let's just hope he can do it.

Well you might not give a rats ass, but I do.

To be honest we could probably do with him knocking in a few free kicks.

Dennis Wise: A Tirade.

Fuck.

I hate it when I'm right. Ages ago in another blog I went on about how Dennis Wise shouldn't talk down to the fans because A) he hadn't earned the right as he cocked up last season. It was his fault, I lay it squarely at his door B) Because eventually he would fuck off too another club.

In fairness to Den, he's done about as well as can be expected this season. We'd be top if it wasn't for that pesky points deduction. Should we really expect any less considering we've got a smattering of Premiership experienced midfielders, A good striker or two and An international in Goal. I don't know.

To be honest I never wanted Den even though I thought he was a good manager, he's got a big mouth which routinely has gotten us into trouble for no reason. It should also be noted that we've not done as well since Gus has gone. I know spurs have Magic Juande but I think Gus has some skills of is own. So if Den had gone last summer or this summer I would have been quite happy really.

But he's gone at a pivotal fucking moment of the season. It's still going to be a fair old slog till the end of the season where it looks like we're going to have to go through the play offs. But he's buggered off now and left us in the hands of a fucking "relegation expert" Dave "Harry" Bassett.

Fuck.

Just when you think everything is alright, and we have some stability it all goes to shit again. We've just spent money on a load of Den signings and now he's buggered off to Newcastle and lie in wait for Keggy to explode.

Unless we get in the right manager, we're fucked. For this season, maybe next. There is a list of contenders already.

http://www.skybet.com/skybet?action=GoEvType&id=10002896&aff=706

No1 favourite. Gary Mcallister.

Did alright at Cov until he left. Hasn't managed for a while so, this is Keg esque appointment. Doesn't really have a track record.

Dave Bassett: No. Don't do it Ken. No.

Gary Speed: Would eat league one as a player. Never managed before though, and what about Q of S?

Steve Mclaren: Not going to happen. Plus he'd be shit I suspect.

Martin Allen: Big fan of this idea. He'd kick some ass.

Alan "Alan" Shearer: Why would we do this? Appoint some bloke who clearly only wants to boss newcastle.

Mickey Adams: Solid enough. Had a rough time in the midlands though.

Coleman: Great appointment. Won't happen.

Billy Davies: Derby should never have sacked him. He'd be a good choice. Therefore he won't come.

Ince: The Guvnor? His ties to United would scupper that. He is a lion judas so that might work, I think he can manage.

Allardyce: I still think the Dyce is a good manager. Hoof the ball up to Beckford. Goal. Promotion. The end. Won't happen.

Who knows at the end of the day. Captain Birdseye could appoint anyone.

In other news. Liverpool.... There are no words.

Sheff Utd. Balloon. Ha.

Why does the BBC perservere so...

The African Nations Cup.

Big Song. Big Dance. Made of it every time it's on like anyone gives a rats ass.

No-one bothers with the Copa America, or the (As translated from the Japanese) "Mighty Cup of East Soccer Journey Battle" otherwise known as the Asian one. That I think Australia play in. Strewth.

So that's anyone outside europe offended.

In the spirit of fairness we have 4 yearly "Germany not as good as they used to be but still manage to beat INGERLAND along the way to the semi's"

I can't even be bothered with the Carling Cup. I am interested in Premier League, Championship and League One. When I can remember I try to watch the Italian Football Show on Channel 5. That's quite a bit of football.

If there was no other football on i'd watch it. But there is, so I refuse to watch Garth Crooks and that bloke whatever his name his who they give the shit assignments, Jake I think (He does focus when Maniche is off and he used to be on CBBC) trying their damndest to talk up Tunisia vs Gambia is as if it were Liverpool vs Manchester.

As I say i've not seen it, but i'm imagining that's what is happening. The BBC tend to go a bit mad on Africa. They go there at the drop of a hat.

I'm sure the football is great, African players pretty much dominate the Premier League these days. I just can't get excited about it.

Number 3: Football on the Rotating Death Stage from Flash Gordon.

Football on the Rotating Death Stage from Flash Gordon.

If by some crazy chance you’ve never seen the classic film Flash Gordon directed by Mike Hodges (of Get Carter fame) then I’ll enlighten you. It’s the rotating stage, that spikes spring from in Prince Vultans sky castle. Flash and Prince Barin fight on it and the gold Dr Death Klytus gets killed on it. Anyway, how cool would it to watch football played on that! Twenty minutes and still no score? Then we can slant the pitch to one side, that should focus the players minds. Still too slow? Then we can add the spikes. Players would have to seriously consider those rash challenges, nobody wants to dive in only to have spike through their thorax. Also jumping for headers would have to be thought through, the ground might move beneath your feet making that landing a precarious one. Rotation should be limited as it will cause no end of confusion for the players and spectator as to which direction their team is shooting at, maybe only a few quick jolts per half. Any more may result in nausea for all involved. The bottomless drop beneath the pitch is optional, personally I feel a rotating stage with spikes is enough. A compromise could be reached where a retractable floor underneath could be in place and moved depending on how vindictive you were feeling.

Why does no-one mention Gazza.

I was thinking about this as Gary Lineker made Alexa Chung look like Jeremy Paxman trying to weedle any kind of info out of Alan "Alan" Shearer. Which was horrendous.

Alan is not a great summariser, it does take time to get any good, Lawro wasn't great to start with but he just has no charisma and little insight. All the lesser well known football players that the BBC use are way better. Lee Dixon is probably the best as he comes up with useful bits and has a personality, Gavin Peacock never tells you anything you couldn't work out yourself, but he's a curio due to his religious leanings. and Martin Keown and Les that crop up now and again on FF are much more entertaining.

None of them compare to Strachan though who absolutely stole the show on MOTD2 when he did that.

Apparently Shearer doesn't speak to Keggy Keegle as Keggy didn't go to his testimonial as he was in the states on holiday. Are you both 12 year old girls? What?

Weren't there enough people to watch it? I like Shearer as I admire his dour curmudgeonly attitude as a player. But there's grudges and then there's this. If that's the case that is and Keggy isn't reading things into it. And then to announce it? That's going to heal the rift announcing to all and sundry that you don't speak because you wounldn't go to his party.

Geordies, your precious club is being run by people that have less of a proffesional temperament than Elton John. Good Luck with that.

What I don't understand is why Gazza isn't thought of if "roles" are being handed out? He maybe a loose cannon, but surely this can only be win-win.

Gazza gets to be involved in football day to day which might do him some good. Newcastle get another leg end to help out.

Now stop laughing. Gazza played abroad, has fallen into every trap, and was one of the most gifted players this country has produced.

Even if it's just to turn up and tell stories to the youngsters and the like. I reckon it can only be a good thing.

I'll post numero 3 tomorrow or wednesday.

Number 2: Appoint Keggy Keegle

As someone once said in The Thing "You've got to be fucking kidding me"

He's back, back, back.

After his exile having the thankless task of looking after the other "sleeping giants" - read teams that should just get over it and just try and win some games - MANCHESTER CITY, and even further running something called Soccer Circus up in the fine city of Glasgow.

He's nuts. No good can come of this. Not for him. Not for Newcastle.

Don't get me wrong. I like the fella, as Danny Baker once said "You always knew you were in a game with Keg".

It'll be fun and probably even exciting. There's some good attacking players and useless defenders so that fits in perfectly with the Keg style of play.

I'm pretty sure this won't last long, probably till the end of the season. Keg actually gives a fuck so if things go awry he'll just up and quit, sooner rather than later.

I hope it does work out for him and that newcastle do become soccer circus and do well. But chances ae it'll just be another rollercoaster ending badly for both Keg and the fans.

It will be interesting. Number two way to make football more interesting: Appoint Keggy Keegle.

Undermining Rafa, Fat Sam's Speak Easy, return of the keg.

So Allardyce has gone. Did he really do that bad a job? Newcastle are 11th and spent proportionally less than the likes of Man City and Villa, Portsmouth etc.. Who are all marginally ahead of them.

None of his signings set the world on fire and thay have a lot of the time looked dour and rubbish. But 25 games is nothing.

In the end I think it all comes down to the fact they want the sexy football and that, Sam was never going to do that.

Still Sam seemed to be smiling when given the boot, like he was glad to be free.

Keggy Keegle in exile training kids in Glasgow is refusing to rule himself out or in. Go on Ashley, just for a laugh until the end of the season. I would love it. Love it, if you made him manager.

Also Liverpools American owners have again shown their full support by announcing that they held talks with Herr Klinsmann.

I beginning to think these americans think we're a bunch of hayseeds in Europe. Talking to him in case Rafa went?

I suspect that it came down to cash. Klins would want barrell loads of it to bring in Germans, just as Houllier brought Frenchman and Benitez does with his nameless Spaniards, apart from the Genius Torres.

I think they're a bit strapped as they've had to scale down Interstellar Anfield down to a shed or something.

I still think getting rid of him would be a bad idea. But he really doesn't help himself by them forever doing fuck all in the league. At least they gave houllier four or five years to try and win something.

Any how, will post numero 2 tomorrow.

F.A. Cup - Clearly No-one gives a fuck.

I don't know why but even before the games started this weekend, I had a deep ambivalence towards the F.A. Cup this year. It could be that Leeds took the even earlier than usual to fuck it up and we didn't even make the third round. There were no meaty ties despite what anyone says.

Stoke vs Newcastle was dull.

I even got fed up of the patronising interest in Chasetown. A bunch of Supply teachers against a team that had Jimmy HAsselbaink sat with his cocoa and woolly hat clearly not wanting to amble round the Chasetown back 4.

I think the only way to get the premier league teams to use their whole ass is to take one of the Champions league spots and give it to the winners of the F.A. Cup. That would spice up the Premier League to with one of the Big 4 having to slum it in the Uefa cup playing on a thursday in a rainy shed against the likes of Drogheda and Trelleborgs.

It won't happen obviously as the money men will pull a face but it's the only way I tells you.

Number 1: High Rise Football

Here it is. Numero Uno in the list of 101 ways to make football more interesting.

High Rise Football.

Graham Taylor, Wimbledon (When they were Wimbledon), Bolton today (allegedly). Route One is the tactic we’re talking about, not bothering with skill or build up play and giving the ball to a centre back who hoofs it up field to a big striker who then knocks it down in the hope that one of his diminutive team mates will get hold of it and score. A legitimate strategy yes, fun to watch no. To eradicate this tactic and make football more entertaining I suggest that football pitches be moved to the top of high rise tower blocks. This would mean that footballers would be encouraged to keep the ball on the deck. The player that hoofs the ball off the pitch will be deeply unpopular for a start and will no doubt be sent down the many flights of stairs or down an elevator to retrieve the ball (There would only be one ball to make the players extra careful). This would leave to massive amount of extra time and footballers would no doubt want the game finished to do valuable charity work. It could be argued that you could just alter a match so no-one hit the ball over head height on a normal pitch like five-a-side. This would be neither fun nor workable as footballers would simply forget without the visible threat of falling off a tall building.

Under Pressure

Hmmm... Liverpool fail to beat Wigan at home and Newcastle fail to beat Man City who along with Ipswich until now have forgotten how to play football away from home.

Surely those results can't help Rafa or Uncle Sam. Thing is If either of them got sacked it wouldn't do much for the teams, well not this season. I don't think Newcastle are bad enough to be relegated and Liverpool will manage to finish 4th because that's what they do.

Newcastle have also spent money on a variety of Allardyce Shitkickers who I don't think anyone else will want or can mould in to the harlem globetrotting side the fans clearly want.

If Liverpool gave Rafa the boot, Torres would just pull a face and would bugger off to another team. No player is bigger than the club etc.. But that would be foolhardy as he is probably the player of the season so far.

Now that the Americans have realised that making Liverpool into some kind of world beating team AND a cash cow isn't easy I doubt they'd stump up the cash but what they should do is flog Crouch To Pompey So he can get a game, Flog Kuyt to Spurs, the club he was destined to play for and Buy Berbatov, A strikeforce of Berbatov and Torres would tear the face off the Premier League.

But Berb's would have to be crazy to go to Liverpool.

Anyway, Moving on.

I was listening to the City vs Liverpool match on sunday, an excercise in Masochism if ever there was one. Jan Molby was summarising and they were talking about the foreigners Sven has brought in and filled the City team with. Molby made a crack about how they all had nice British names.

Now, I don't know if Jan Molby has noticed, but he's from fucking Denmark. I have no problem with the Molby, in fact Kudos to him for picking up a scouse accent in two weeks or whatever it was I just felt it was a bit odd that someone who has become a Liverpool Legend as an overseas player would make a joke about other foreign players. Then again, he's lived here over twenty years and is probably a naturalised citizen or something, so he probably as much right to comment on foreign players as anyone. It just seemed a bit weird.

Next order of business.

I watched the Derby vs Blackburn Match, well A) I was bored, B) I figured there would be some goals Derby, being Derby.

The thing I noticed most was Tugay, who is fast resembling evil yankee nazzie Walter Donovan from Indy and the Last Crusade when he touches the wrong grail cup.

Finally, Phil O'Donnell, obviously sympathies to friends and families but every time I hear a footballer has died or had some kind of major medical problem it makes me have a panic attack. The week The Sevilla player died and Clive Clarke had a heart attack, I was pretty mental. I'm not exactly super fit. I'm pretty weedy, have a bad diet, don't excercise and spend an awful lot of time sat down writing. These guys excercise for a living! So Footballer's, please stop getting seriously ill. It's not a good thing.

Double finally, I will be posting No 1: in the 101 ways to make football more interesting in the next couple of days.