No 10: Landmine Football

Landmine Football.

For the most part, land mines are hideous destructive things that should be gotten rid of and anyone doing so should be applauded. However, if a non harmful landmine could be constructed, I have a use for such a device. If a random number of mines were placed just under the pitch of each match, always in different places, it would add a new dimension to the game. At first players would tread carefully in order not to get hit and work out the lie of the land. After the players had worked out roughly where everything was they could simply try and play round when in possession and the opposing team then trying to force them onto a mine. The mines could work on some kind of air pressure system blasting the player into the air to minimize actual physical damage of the multi-million pound players. It is also possible that new forms of play involving the pressure pads could arise, playing the ball off of them perhaps to deflect a shot for instance. It could also be used at set plays to get above the defense. I think that for the most part this idea would be warmly received. I do believe that grounds men will be almost universally opposed to the idea.

Number 9: 1984 Style Football.

1984 Style Football

Not in the Liverpool still being capable of winning the league sense but in the Orwellian sense. Obviously big brother is already watching them with the advent of TV cameras and replays etc. but I mean in a more fascistic control sense. What’s the worse that can happen to a footballer if he does something bad on the pitch really? Yellow Card, Sent off and maybe if he’s been really bad a fine and a ban for however long they think right. What if there was a better way to ensure players behavior and to discipline them. I suggest we fit footballers with electronic chips that would charge the player with a shock to the central nervous system when the chip was activated. The technology would have to be closely guarded and power given to only the managers and referee, otherwise people would be shocking players for the sake of it. Nobody wants that. So when a player begins to remonstrate too strongly at a referee, he can press a button and down the player will go screaming in pain, sorry that he even questioned the referees’ authority. It is hoped that over time footballers would learn to behave better and the use of the device could be lessened, though it remains to be seen as footballers traditionally do not have the best of educations.

F.A. CUP - It just got interesting.

Chelsea - Spannering it against Barnsley. (Not a crisis, maybe a slight problem)

Man Utd - Not even the Mighty Zeus himself would have been able to pierce the Pompey's goal. Clearly some monumental force was on Portsmouth's side.

Middlesboro - At Home to Cardiff. Never. Get. A. Better. Chance.

Porsmouth have got to be favourites now. But this year...It's WIDE. WIDE. OPEN.

Number 8: Allow Drug Taking

Allow Drug Taking

Now we all know drugs are bad etc. but just suspend all that for a second and indulge this theory. It’s January and United have played 3 games in 6 days and the team and the opposition look a bit lackluster, and you’ll be lucky if anyone has a shot on goal. Allowing drugs would change all this. No game would ever be boring or slow. The players would become supermen! There would be skills that took your breath away, speed that would rival a cheetah and the reactions of a seven year old playing a computer game. It would like watching Match of the Day on fast forward. It would be like Zeus himself came down from Mt Olympus with his gods and formed a side. Matrix like efforts of Aerial ability, passes and moves that players would think of five moves ahead. Players would get less injured and everything would just be a lot better. The only problems I can envisage are that the players would think they’re are supermen off the field as well. Not all of them behave like they should do as it is, forgetting things and turning up for training drunk, the power to go on for longer would probably mean that they would party harder as well and may well negate any effects that performing enhancing drugs might have.

Crisis on Infinite Chelseas

I'm going to admit this. I quite like Avram Grant.

Like everyone else I was devestated when Jose left. It's like that episode of the Simpsons when Lisa falls in love with Dustin Hoffman's Subsititute teacher and he leaves at the end. Anyway, enough of my private hell.

I thought Mr Grant would be a disaster. I even e-mailed baker and kelly to let them know that every time I saw him it reminded me of Henry Kissinger dropping his glasses in the toilet in the Simpsons.

But he's hung in there, he's made some quite funny comments, in avery muted sharp fashion.

All of a sudden out of nowhere.

CRISIS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH CRISIS OH MY GOD!!! CHELSEA lost the CARLING CUP or whatever the fucking thing is called now.

Let's face it, Spurs being the low down desperate tarts they are wanted to win ANYTHING so badly that they would have beaten their own Jimmy Greaves to death to do so.

Not even when playing their fiercest rivals could arsenal give a damn so they fielded a bunch of 9 year olds.

Chelsea lost because Cech made a mistake. He probably felt sad at the sight of the clamouring horror of sweaty little spurs their eyes glistening with tears that they would fail YET AGAIN.

Chelsea are so much of a crisis that they nailed West Ham to the floor in twenty minutes. Then played a large portion of the match with 10 men and The Hairdressers favourite Ashley Cole scored!

So no crisis.

In other news.

Newcastle. I've seen them quite a bit recently, you can call into question my credibility but they don't look terrible for the first half at least. Not brilliant, but not out and out shit. Going forward at least. They do die like dogs in the second half but there you go. I might even go as far as say they were unlucky. Michael "Finished" Owen managed to spoon about four chances. So clearly it's over for Owen.

This is sarcasm. I doubt that it's over. He's like Doritos, Once he's started, the only way to stop him is critically injure his ligaments. Or something.

More news.

Leeds won a game. Away! Now all we need is for the court to overlook things and promotion ahoy.